On Large Hadron Disappointments

Well it's Wednesday and we're all still here. While I was hoping to go in my sleep this morning at 3:30 AM I instead awoke to the screeching of my alarm clock. Yes, I guess deep down I'm glad that the world continues and the Earth wasn't swallowed up in a man-made blackhole of doom, but I'm not sure how I'm going to cover maxing out all three credit cards and telling my boss what I really think yesterday.

Note to self: in the future make sure the world is ending before setting "Plan:Endtimes" in motion...

"Muse"-ings

I sit staring at a blank sheet of bristol. I've done this before. All I have to do is move the pencil in a certain manner and it produces a faint grey line on the paper. After a few moments these lines appear to become pictures of a sort. Soon I go back over these lines with a nib pen dipped in india ink to preserve the ideas formed by these pencil markings for all time. Yet for the past few weeks when I sit at my table I just see a vast blank page that refuses to change.

I seriously don't imagine this to be writer's block, or at least not in its common form. It seems to be more of a fear or dread based blockage. I want to write and draw but then I start thinking about tomorrow and the day after. Will I be able to maintain this, and if so, then for how long? Do I want to start up the comic strip again, I know I won't be able to maintain a daily or even three times a weekly, so why even start.

But I have to start. Something deep inside of me cries out to be expressed. But what is it? I don't have a story to tell, do I? Where do I even begin if I do have a story? Well, I guess there's always the begining but that's lame. Oh well never mind.

See what I have to deal with? It's like this all the time. My mind takes off and while I am not able to think of a good place to start a story, I am able to sit and fabricate a story in my head that has my comic strip leading to the fall of Western Democracy and assorted plagues throughout the undeveloped world. I need an outlet for all of this energy, but all of that potentential energy fails to become kinetic.

So I sit. And I stare. And I never begin again.

My Space

The new house has one feature that sold it to me; an office. The previous owners had converted a two-car garage into a playroom. They had a pool table and some chairs in it and lots of boxes. I saw the room as a potential office and studio for my cartooning. The color scheme is/was horrible and the lighting was deplorable, but it was a separate space just for me. I said early on that I was paying 300 grand for 460 square feet that happened to have a five bedroom house connected to it. They could do as they wished with the house and yard, but that 460 sq. ft. was sacred space reserved for me and they agreed. Immediately upon moving in someone discovered that her desk would fit perfectly in one corner of the space. It would just be that one corner and she needed space to work also. Then little by little the room filed up until now I have a small computer desk in one corner of "my" office.

So tonight I made my stand. Granted it was weeks over due, but I stood up and put the foot down. Everyone has to get out. I don't care where, but with 2200 sq. ft. outside my office door I'm sure they could make do. Now I'm the bad guy. I wonder if I really am the bad guy. I just want an office that I can go to and work or relax. Just my space to be alone in. But judging by everyone's reaction that may be too much to ask.

How does one go about explaining to one's family that while he loves them dearly and would die for each and every one of them, at the same time he would prefer that they get out of his room and find somewhere else to be for an hour or two?

Today was a perfect day to work on my new comic strip project but instead I just sat and watched old episodes of "Battlestar Galactica" on Hulu.com. What was it Brad Guigar said? "Grow up and work if it's important to you" or something like that. Maybe I should work on doing that. But the first step is to claim my space. Plant my flag so to speak.

Too Much Free Time in the Tropics

Okay, I know there are worse things than being stuck in a tropical paradise staying in a four-star resort eating free food and drinking free cocktails. But this is Free to Kvetch and I know if you've read many of my older posts you'll find that I can complain about anything. So here goes.

It's hot, it's humid and I'm not a person that is comfortable in relaxing situations. A couple years ago someone suggested that I use a relaxation CD that helps reduce stress and calm my nerves. I gave it a try and ten minutes into listening I got a nose bleed. Thankfully the nose bleed stressed me out enough to return me to my normally stressed-out self and I was able to get through the situation but I threw the CD away. I can not sit on a chaise lounger next to the pool and relax. It is one of the most uncomfortable situations I can imagine. I hate short pants and only wear tee-shirts as an outer garment when I'm mowing the yard or working outside in the yard. I don't even like to wear jeans.

This has lead to many strange experiences in my life. When I try to dress-down and look relaxed I'm told that I look very uncomfortable and like I'm trying to force myself to relax. Is something wrong with me? Right now I'm sitting on the balcony looking down at a gathering of people relaxing around the pool, laughing and having a good time. The thought of joining them makes me very uneasy. I don't really think it is a psychological disorder like Social Anxiety or General Anxiety Disorder (which I'm sure I have and that just makes me anxious thinking about it). I just don't think I ever learned to relax. On the farm if you had time to relax and lounge around it meant important work wasn't being done. Only rich, lazy people relaxed.

So now I don't live on the farm I have lots of free time and what do I do? Now don't get me wrong, I do not like to work all of the time, as a matter of fact I hate to work. But it's almost like I'm ashamed of myself relaxing in public. I'll lounge around the house and watch TV all day or surf the web reading blogs and webcomics, but I do that in the privacy of my own home where others can't see me.

Maybe their should be relaxation classes that you could take and learn the right way to relax 'cause I don't think I'm doing it right when I try it on my own.

Worlds Away

I'm sitting on the balcony of my room at a very nice hotel/resort/spa that my company has seen fit to locate me in while I await an important meeting. Granted I'm not too keen on traveling this late in the summer. I should be at home working on the house and getting ready for the onslaught of fall holidays.

Reflecting on this past summer is a bit tough. I can't help but feel that I have let things slip a little too much on the Jewish front. I live in the constant fear that I'm not doing enough to ensure our kids get the Jewish education that they need in order to survive in this goyeshe world. What kind of example do we set when we are too tired from work to go to minyan. It's not that tough and for the most part it's only thirty or forty minutes out of the day.

Lots happened this summer. In May we bought a house. It's not a new house, but it's new to us. Everyone finally has a room and things are starting to settle down as we all look around and realize we are home. I keep waiting for that feeling to come to fruition. I come home, but it's not "home" yet. We still have to build memories and traditions at this new house. Almost immediately after closing on the house I was off on travel for the day job and spent most of the summer working away from home. And now as High Holy Days approach I am once again on travel. I'm really growing tired of the travel, but the money I get from doing this jobs is what's making it possible to buy the house that we all love.

As a family we spent exactly zero time at shul from the time we moved until now. It got so bad that the Rabbi actually sent me an e-mail last week to make sure that we were okay and planning to come back. I'm sure things will improve once the school year starts and we get back into the routine of Wednesday Hebrew School, Saturday Junior Congregations and Sunday Religious School. I remember some years that I would feel more at home in my shul than at home. We have close friends at shul but now after taking about three months off and being vacant I wonder how much of a friend they think we are.

My daily observance has waned more than I would like it to be. It seems almost strange to get back into my routine now that I've taken so much time off. And again I wonder what kind of example I'm setting for the kids. Are they thinking, "Being Jewish is cool, as long as it doesn't interfere with whatever else I want to do."? Because that seems to be what's going on now. I have to learn to make a stand in my house. I have to be Gandalf and say "This far and no further! You SHALL NOT PASS!"

As a bright spot this will be the first year that we build a sukkah in the backyard as this is the first year we've ever had a yard. I've been researching sukkah designs and think I've come up with a very workable plan using galvanized brackets from Home Depot, about 20 2x4s and a lot of tree cuttings. It should work out and if it does I'll post pictures.

Another routine I need to reestablish is using my blog. It seems I get fired up about something, post it, and then disappear for a year or so. Maybe I should use Rosh Hashana and rededicate myself to being more active in my shul, blogging regularly and growing as a person. Nah, that sounds a lot like work, and right now I have all the work I can stand.

They're calling it "the simple line"

Wow, I really need to update more often. I finally started a new job and it has been keeping me busy. I could be updating more often but I've been reading a lot of webcomics lately and thinking about getting back into that game more seriously (I even bought new pens!).

Want to see what I'm reading? Check out some of the following:

PvP: Player vs. Player
Starslip Crisis
Sheldon
Evil, Inc.

These four mega-stars of webcomickery can be found online at Halfpixel and you can always listen in to their podcast each week at Webcomics Weekly.