My name is Binyamin and I am a Jew. I did not grow up in a Jewish home, but for the past 18 years I have been on a journey into Judaism. It started out almost as a joke, but it has turned into a life long quest. Just when I think I've read all that I can read, or my observance has gone as far as I can take it, I take another step. I've realized that it will always be this way, but I also realize this is one of the primary reasons I keep looking to take that next step on this journey.
I grew up in the Deep South in what I can only now consider severe poverty. I firmly believe without Jim Kirk, Fred Rogers and the United States Navy I would be some half-educated Appalachian-American Hillbilly working in a dead end job today. Television was my window to the world. It showed me that there was a bigger world out there than anyone in my simple family could ever comprehend. I saw different races and cultures and wanted to meet them. I saw distant lands and ancient ruins and wanted to visit them. I saw people with lifetimes of learning and experience and I want to be like them. So I left home and spent ten years in the Navy.
I am currently member of a wonderful Conservative Synagogue that I do not attend nearly as much as I would like, that I do not support as much as I would like, and that I do not participate in as much as I would like. Someday, I'd like to be President of the Temple (or at least one of my kids to be) but that's a long term goal.
I live with the thought that I will never be Jewish enough and my children and their children will always be considered not Jewish enough by their peers. Due to my very Scots/Irish last name it is always obvious that we don't have the same background as the families we go to shul with. It always frustrates me that my one of my best friends will always be accepted in a shul due to his name and his "look" while I have to endure questions about my mother and who in my family was Jewish. Ironically it wasn't until he met me that he started showing any interest in Judaism, and is still about as secular as you can get.
I have five wonderful children. I want to give them the Jewish childhood that I didn't have, and I feel an immense amount of pain and guilt every time I miss an opportunity to do so. I will always love my children. They are the only family I have left in this world and I won't give that up. So I will struggle to make sure the kids go to Hebrew school and stay connected to the Jewish community, with the hope and prayer that I will have Jewish grandchildren someday. I am too much of a realist to overlook the statistics and know that odds are my children will marry "out" and that only through providing them with a connection to Judaism now will I have any chance of seeing Jewish grandchildren and being called Zeide. Some days I wonder who, if anyone at all, will say Kaddish for me. But then some days I see that Jewish spark in my children's eyes that reassures me that someone will.
So that's my story. It's not the whole story by far, and maybe overtime I'll post more about it, but I want to take time here to post about my day, good or bad. I want to talk about things I wonder about, things I have learned and things I want to learn. I want a place to vent and a place to celebrate. And, like most Jews, I want to be part of a community (online or otherwise). I read several Jewish blogs everyday, and I've attempted to start one on several occasions. Maybe this will be the one that sticks, maybe it won't. It's all up to me and how dedicated to this I become.
I have always felt the need to write, and I have kept scores of journals and logs (‘cause macho dudes like me don't keep diaries) but it has never been a consistent thing. I've always been critical of my ability to write and felt inferior when I read what others write. But maybe through the shield of Internet-anonymity I can feel free to write, good or bad, and grow as a writer (and hopefully as a person).
I grew up in the Deep South in what I can only now consider severe poverty. I firmly believe without Jim Kirk, Fred Rogers and the United States Navy I would be some half-educated Appalachian-American Hillbilly working in a dead end job today. Television was my window to the world. It showed me that there was a bigger world out there than anyone in my simple family could ever comprehend. I saw different races and cultures and wanted to meet them. I saw distant lands and ancient ruins and wanted to visit them. I saw people with lifetimes of learning and experience and I want to be like them. So I left home and spent ten years in the Navy.
I am currently member of a wonderful Conservative Synagogue that I do not attend nearly as much as I would like, that I do not support as much as I would like, and that I do not participate in as much as I would like. Someday, I'd like to be President of the Temple (or at least one of my kids to be) but that's a long term goal.
I live with the thought that I will never be Jewish enough and my children and their children will always be considered not Jewish enough by their peers. Due to my very Scots/Irish last name it is always obvious that we don't have the same background as the families we go to shul with. It always frustrates me that my one of my best friends will always be accepted in a shul due to his name and his "look" while I have to endure questions about my mother and who in my family was Jewish. Ironically it wasn't until he met me that he started showing any interest in Judaism, and is still about as secular as you can get.
I have five wonderful children. I want to give them the Jewish childhood that I didn't have, and I feel an immense amount of pain and guilt every time I miss an opportunity to do so. I will always love my children. They are the only family I have left in this world and I won't give that up. So I will struggle to make sure the kids go to Hebrew school and stay connected to the Jewish community, with the hope and prayer that I will have Jewish grandchildren someday. I am too much of a realist to overlook the statistics and know that odds are my children will marry "out" and that only through providing them with a connection to Judaism now will I have any chance of seeing Jewish grandchildren and being called Zeide. Some days I wonder who, if anyone at all, will say Kaddish for me. But then some days I see that Jewish spark in my children's eyes that reassures me that someone will.
So that's my story. It's not the whole story by far, and maybe overtime I'll post more about it, but I want to take time here to post about my day, good or bad. I want to talk about things I wonder about, things I have learned and things I want to learn. I want a place to vent and a place to celebrate. And, like most Jews, I want to be part of a community (online or otherwise). I read several Jewish blogs everyday, and I've attempted to start one on several occasions. Maybe this will be the one that sticks, maybe it won't. It's all up to me and how dedicated to this I become.
I have always felt the need to write, and I have kept scores of journals and logs (‘cause macho dudes like me don't keep diaries) but it has never been a consistent thing. I've always been critical of my ability to write and felt inferior when I read what others write. But maybe through the shield of Internet-anonymity I can feel free to write, good or bad, and grow as a writer (and hopefully as a person).
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